She saved me. My daughter did save me a lot of times, and she has no idea.
For the past 2 years, I have been a very depressed man. Lots of things have happened in my life, and I do not know when they will end. These things that happened are not the good ones. I cannot call them good ones because, although I have moved on a bit and learned from these awful experiences, they are still a part of my trauma.
But my daughter saved me. She has no idea she has been the most precious blessing I have received from God.
You know, there are a lot of times I wish I could have my life ended, but my daughter became my strength. My current source of life. The life I breathe now is for her. Even when times are unexpectedly rough, when I look at her, things somehow become lighter. Even just for a while.
With all that I have encountered in the past and even now, it’s easy to say that I am giving up. With a swing of a hand or a flick of a finger, I could have ended life a very long time ago. Life has been very tough, and I can’t seem to just get back on my feet easily. It’s been a rough and rocky road to take.
Don’t get me wrong. I have been a very strong athlete in this sport called life, but problems and disappointments are never-ending. I do know that God wouldn’t direct me to a path I cannot take, but sometimes it just takes a very heavy toll on my very being. There are moments I cannot take anymore, and with my life ending, that would be the end of it all.
However, my daughter keeps saving me. She didn’t know it, but she had done it a couple of times already.
When at times I feel I’m in despair, I look at her, but then she smiles at me, and I feel so much better.
When at times I feel like giving up, she comforts me even with just holding my hand because she wants to go down the bed.
When I feel like crying, she leans her head onto me, or give me a hug, and I will feel okay.
There are times that even when she don’t intentionally do it, she’s saving me.
Honestly, when I am alone, I don’t think of what my future will be. I am not anymore looking forward to it. I have been fucked up by life. Sometimes, I don’t think that there’s still some sense on living if living in this world only gives me pain, problems, and despair. I don’t care anymore about my own future, of what would tomorrow would look like.
But when I look at her, I want her to have a future where she can recognize me as her dad. Where she calls my name and become her savior for anything she needed help with. I want for her a future where she calls her mom and dad from afar, waving her hands as she says bye bye going to wherever she is going. I want her to run towards me and her mom, and hug us like we have never seen each other for years. I want a future where she needs me when she needs help for anything. I want her to look up to us and say that she’s proud of us and she loves us.
This is the kind of future I’m very much looking forward to. Not mine, but a future for her.
She saved me. She saves me. And even when she doesn’t know it, she will still keep on saving me.
I love you, my child. And I will keep loving you ’til my heart stops and I cannot anymore breathe.